Lies I Tell My Children

Lies I Tell My Children

Sometimes, the only way you can get your child to shut up is by lying to it.

I have always believed that honesty truly is the best policy. I believe in being a good person. And I believe in raising your children to be honest, reliable,  and above all, tolerable human beings. But truth be told, the older I get, the more I realize that sometimes... It is OK not to know the whole truth. The truth hurts. A person hears what they want to hear. And trying to get my daughters to listen to reason can be like beating a dead horse. With another dead horse.
My husband and I have been together for nearly a decade, and to each other, we are the world's worst liar. But when it comes to lying to our children-
We co parent like a boss.

And thanks to his big brains, and my even bigger brains

Here is a list of some of the best, and most despicable lies I've told my children, followed by their translations:

#1. "It is not Happy Meal Day"
You're angry because you cannot have a Happy Meal today? I heard that. I've been thinking about a cheeseburger and Coke all goddamn day.  The McDonald's website says that the next "Happy Meal Day" will be on the second Tuesday of next month. That's in approximately 16 days.
Obviously, I am not the enemy here if I am just as pissed off and put out as they are.

#2. "Your dad said that you cannot go to Grandma's tonight if your room is not clean before he gets home"
Hey kids. Check out this fictional, cause-and-effect, play-by-play, bull-shit that I just conjured up. It's total bullshit. I have no intentions of keeping you home tonight. The fact that I am even pretending to lay down the law right now is proof positive that I am reckless, impulsive, and I create my own stressful environment.
Thank God my kids are naturally motived to comply when Grandma is the prize.

#3."One year, Uncle Jeremy was so naughty, that he did not get ANYTHING for Christmas!"
Let's call Uncle Jeremy and ask him about the time....
In my daughters' eyes, my brother is the most unlucky, hard-knocked, son' bitch who has ever made it out of adolescence. Unbeknownst to them, he skated through his childhood. But when the action is live and I need someone with quick wits and the ability make up a story with little prompting- I call Uncle Jeremy. He is my go to. He has more availability  than all of Mitch's and my siblings combined.  And unlike my little sister, he has no qualms about lying to his nieces.
When you tell my daughters a tale from the Trials and Tribulations of Uncle Jeremy's Childhood: Shit gets real.

#4. "I'm Santa Clause"
Sort-of.

#5. "I just barely read on-line that it is Happy Meal Day. But you just beat the shit out of your big sister and so we are not going."
Happy Meal Day was never an option today. I have nothing left. You have had the upper hand all week. I threw in the towel yesterday. This is an artificial reprimand. It is one last pathetic attempt to reclaim my dignity before dinner.

#6. "Daddy needs to run to the store."
Daddy needs to go get Mama's Xanax.


I would like to take a moment and express my gratitude to all of you for reading my very first attempt at blog post

Disclaimer:
THE LIES IN THIS POST ARE STRICTLY FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE PARENT. NO HARM HAS EVER COME TO THE CHILDREN REFERENCED IN IT.


Carli-Out